I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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