peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
