Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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