So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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