You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
