3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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