I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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