I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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