I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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