The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
