I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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