i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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