Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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