i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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