We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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