I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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