Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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