so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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