Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
