in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
