we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
