she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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