i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
