I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
