I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
