Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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