I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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