i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Someone signed my nipple.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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