so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
