I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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