well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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