How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Did I show you my penis last night?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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