i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
