We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
