so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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