I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
