right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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