i wish peter jackson would direct porn
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
