Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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