I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
