So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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