listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
