Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
