Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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