I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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