My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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