for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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