There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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