Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
