My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We are all done wearing pants today
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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